There has been a change in the pawn structure... your opponent has eight and you don't have any.

You have a position won but your opponent has a gun.

The tournament director tells you not to bother turning in your scoresheet after the game.

Before the game begins you notice your opponent's 1st initials are 'GM.'

Just after completing your opening development you sense your opponent playing the endgame.

Just as you finish making your opening moves your opponent announces mate in 11.

You don't control any squares at all.

Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.

Mumbles "J'adoube" when bumping into things.

Keeps a chess book and chess set in the bathroom.

Asks new acquaintances if they know how to play chess.

Asks all chessplayers, "What's your rating?"

Directly walks to the games/chess section in any bookstore.

Owns more books about chess than any other subject.

Owns more chess clocks than watches.

Keeps a board and pieces at the office or in a backpack.

Multiples 8x8 faster than 7x7.

Names first child Bobby or Judit and decorates nursery in black and white squares "just in case."

Panics for an instant when a waiter says "Check?"

Pays more attention to a chess board position in a movie than the action.

Visibly upset each time when noticing a white square is not in the right hand corner of the board.